Depraved Walrus
by Baylu
Summary: Contains: A depraved walrus from Canada. A dumb annoying blond Excel. A perverted and sickly Hyatt. One Edward from Cowboy Bebop...soon too be MORE.
1. Membership: 3

Excel Excel! Don't own any characters .!  
  
The irc anime chat is not mine either! but i suggest u try it out and go to ACROSS channel. YESH!  
  
Contains the chronically over-challenged and understaffed secret ideological organization of ACROSS.  
  
.....................................................................................  
  
"OH NO! Excel's brain cells are hurting!" Excel screamed as the computer in front of her gave the dreaded BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! Excel began hitting her head furiously on the wall. "What will I ever do!? Lord Il Palazzo demanded that Excel find out who the mastermind behind the Mirc Anime chat is and destroy it, but..." The blond haired freak flopped down on the table where Hyatt was concentrating on not passing out. "Excel is not a hacker..." Strange noises came from her stomach as she tried to cover her hungered face with a weird look. "Ugh...where's that mutt?" She looked left to right in search of Menchi, the emergency food supply.  
  
"Uhm, Senor Excel?" Hyatt coughed, wiping the blood from her mouth away with the usual pink napkin. "Shouldn't we go to our part time jobs?" (-.-) Excel's eye twitched as Hyatt's voice rang in her ear.  
  
"Have you forgotten our mission from Lord Il Palazzo!?" Excel's green eyes went all starry when she spoke her love's name. Hyatt's head shook as though it would fall off at any moment.  
  
"But Senor Excel, what does an on-line anime chat have to do with the conquering of the city?" She asked in her fragile voice. Excel jumped onto the table and stood as though she were Il Pala. Clearing her voice she did an imitation of her beloved.  
  
"The ignorant masses gather around their electrical devices known as computers day to day and log into this Mirc program which promotes the crazed discussion of anime which corrupts today's youth. Excel, Hyatt, your mission is to destroy the master mind behind this insanity and the program. Do not fail me!" As Excel finished her Il Palazzo impersonation, Hyatt collapsed to the floor.  
  
"I suppose...*cough*...that is an excellent point. *cough*" Hyatt said weakly.  
  
"YESH!" Excel's eyes went all googly as she stared at her poster of Lord Il Palazzo. "It is the most ideological mission my dear Lord Il Palazzo has assigned me!" Excel hugged the picture. "I fucking love you, so...much."  
  
There was a playful knock at the door as Excel drooled over the poster. Hyatt crawled over to the door and opened it slightly. "EDWARDS HEEEEREEE!" A little girl with orange hair burst through the door, followed by a brown little doggie. They ran over Hyatt while dancing into the living room where Excel was now drooling on her poster.  
  
Edward took a running jump onto Excel's head. "AHHHH!" Excel screamed as the two girls went tumbling to the floor.   
  
@.@  
  
Excel's eyes spun as her head swayed back and forth. "DIZZY DIZZY!" Edward exclaimed as she stood up with swirly eyes, tipping this way and that.  
  
Later at ACROSS HQ...  
  
"HAIL LORD IL PALAZZO!" Excel and Edward cheered all too energectically. Of course, Hyatt fell over after trying to yell 'HAIL'.   
  
"Excel?" Il Pala said in a mono tone voice. In a flash, Excel was on her knees in front of his throne.  
  
"Yes, my lord Il Palazzo? Is there something I can do for you, Lord Il Palazzo?" She asked eagerly.  
  
"What is this mass doing in ACROSS's secret base?" His white gloved finger pointed at Edward who was picking boogers out of her nose and eating them.  
  
"Uhm...well..." (^.^;) Excel was not quick enough in her answer as she went falling down into the darkness of her all to familiar trap door. "Excel falls for you, lord Il pala-" Her sentence was cut off as she splashed into the freezing cold water.  
  
"HI! I'm Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the IV!" The strange orange haired girl sat upon Lord Il Pala's head looking down at him with her large golden orbs known as eyes. (O.O)!  
  
Lord Il Pala swung a rolled up newspaper at Edward. "ACK!" He ended up hitting himself on the head as the little girl jumped away and scampered over to Hyatt. The lady from Mars sat up on the floor.  
  
"Edward is a genius hacker who is a member of the Bebop, a bounty hunter crew from the farther reaches of space. She can be of much use in our mission to conquer the city of F, Lord Il Palazzo."  
  
Il Palazzo looked at Edward in disgust. He wasn't sure if he had just seen the child flick fleas from her head with her foot or if it was just dirt. "Yes, uhm, very well. He-"  
  
"Edwards a little girl!" Ed said with a pout on her face. Il Pala raised on eyebrow at this information.  
  
"Yes, of course. Uh...I expect you to watch Ed carefully, Hyatt."  
  
"HAIL LORD IL PALAZZO!" Excel screeched from the bottom of her pit.  
  
"YAY FOR LORD PALY!" Edward sang as she danced around Hyatt. Il Palazzo sweat dropped as he scratched a number 3 under total membership of ACROSS.  
  
..................................................................................  
  
*edward shoves a live fish into Excel's mouth* Good yes!?  
  
*Excel chews the live fish* Yesh! penny flavor!  
  
Today's mission...to be continued (o.O) 


	2. Super short chap!

Green Monkey...(O.o)  
  
Maniac Neurotic  
  
...........................................................  
  
Edward sits at her computer typing away with her cool indian thingy on her head. "Bibitty bobitty boo. I put a frog in my shoe. He hopped away and boy that's gay! He's not insane cuz he sniffs cocaine! Excel kicked Ein in the spine! Hyatt is dead and I can sit on my head!" Edward sits on her head.  
  
Excel is attacking Ein in the kitchen because Menchi had ranaway yesterday. Hyatt was laying on the floor with X's in her eyes.  
  
"NO! Ed's hacking program is no good!" (@.@) Excel pokes her head out form the kitchen.  
  
"Is Hyatt breathing?"  
  
AT HQ  
  
"HAIL LORD IL PALAZZO!" Edward and Excel yell. Excel is holding Hyatt up with one hand, trying to make it look like the lady from Mars is alive.  
  
"Excel...what is wrong with Agent Hyatt?" (.) Excel smiles nervously, shaking Hyatt a bit.  
  
"She's just tired Lord Il Palazzo!" Il Pala pulls the rope and sends Excel down the trap door.  
  
"Oh no! Not rabid old people!"  
  
Edward stands on her head. "Mew?"  
  
*The Will of the Macracondem brings back Hyatt*  
  
"HAIL LORD IL PALAZZO!" The three scream together, well one less...just Excel and Edward really and Edward screams 'HAIL LORD PALY!'....uhm anways!  
  
"Its so good that you're always so ridiculously energectic Excel and Edward, but I must ask where do you get this perk?"   
  
"My dear Lord Il Palazzo, it is you who gives me such joy! I would cross the ranger mountains of cananda!" Excel climbs a moutain peak and comes across a walrus. "I would shoot this depraved walrus that has STDs! Don't ask me why, but just he does!" Excel pulls out a shotgun and fires at the walrus. (X.x)   
  
Edward gasps! "Excel! No!" Ed cuts through Excel's ranting of things she would do for Il Pala to pet the walrus. "Don't kill the canadian walrus!" She shakes her finger at Excel and begins to pull the walrus out of the picture...  
  
(O.o)  
  
"Right...I would dress up as a mounty ranger and sing the Canadian theme song!" She dresses up in a dudely doright outfit and clears her throat while saluting the flag. "O CANADA, O CANADA! LA,LA, La, la la...la...!"  
  
*BANG!*  
  
Excel drops dead!  
  
(X.x)  
  
Will-chan brings both the depraved walrus and Excel back to life.  
  
..................................  
  
Edward pets her depraved walrus.  
  
Edward: You shall b mine forever adn ever! AMEN!  
  
Depraved walrus licks ed's face making her gigle.  
  
Excel plugs her nose  
  
Excel: THAT THINGS STINKS!  
  
Excel kicks the walrus back to canada and waves! 


	3. The Excel Hick farm

Jimmy cracked corn and i dont care (^-^)  
  
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Excel was marching down the street in her ACROSS uniform, whistling a jolly tune. Hyatt walked   
  
slowly behind her wiping blood from her mouth while Ed rode the depraved walrus singing about   
  
fish."One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, green fish, orange fish!"  
  
"Uhm, Senor Excel, what was the mission Lord Il Palazzo gave us?" Hyatt asked as her face   
  
turned blue.  
  
"Dear Lord Il Palazzo told us to go on a mission to find Excel Excel a brain!" She screamed in   
  
that annoying voice. Edward tumbled off the walrus and onto the street.  
  
"Piggies have brains!" Excel stopped and put her fingers to her head to think...  
  
"Mmmmmmm...yesh! According to 99 brain cells to 1 a piggie's brain is an excellent resource for   
  
Excel's intelligence rating to go up up up!" She grabs Edward's arm. "Come with me annoying   
  
singing girl who looks like a boy! We shall find the dumb blond Excel girl a brain!"  
  
"YAY! Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O!" Edward chanted as she was yanked along hurriedly by   
  
Excel. Hyatt passed out from heat exhaustion, but the depraved walrus from Canada caught her   
  
limp body and merrily hopped along after Edward and Excel.  
  
****Lord Il Palazzo was sitting on his grand old chair reading a talking kid's interactive   
  
story book. It showed Farmer Excel in overalls and cowboy hat chewing on wheat. "Hiedy hoe   
  
kids! And welcome to the down south F City farm! Where the animals are smarter than the   
  
Farmers! Kya Kya!" Excel shot her snot into a tin bucket making a "clink" noise.  
  
****"What a dump!" Excel screamed as they walked through a gate that read "Hick Farm". Edward immediately went running off into the great unknown as Excel smacked Hyatt awake. "Hytchan! We're here!" Hyatt slowly opened her brown eyes. "How can you sleep when we're on a mission!"  
  
"I'm sorry senor Excel" Hyatt got up slowly and staggered backwards. "I will be more   
  
considerate next time."  
  
"ALRIGHT!" She screamed pulling Hyatt along. The depraved walrus from Canada began to follow   
  
but saw a large green john deer tractor sitting in the front lawn. His eyes turned into BIG   
  
pink hearts as "You are so beautiful too me," played in his head.  
  
****Il Pala turns the page to see Hyatt dressed in a white button-up shirt that was tied in a   
  
neat bow above her stomach. Her weird colored hair was pulled up in a hair band exposing her   
  
neck. Her blue jean shorts were cut EXTREMELY short exposing her pale thighs as she leaned over   
  
a fence. "Horses are my favorite animal on the farm. They're STRONG and BOLD and fun to ride."   
  
She said this while stroking the face of the horse with her eyes close.   
  
A little Edward sat in the corner of the page wrinkling her nose and yelled "SICK!"  
  
****"WEE!!!!!" Edward swung from the hayloft of the barn from a rope and out the large doors.   
  
"BONZAI!" She landed with a loud SPLAT in the muddy ground of the pig pen. "Edward loves mud!"   
  
The strange red haired girl began rolling in the mud as the pigs gave her skeptical looks.   
  
Meanwhile..."Which came first? The egg or the chicken?" Excel was holding a chicken in one hand   
  
and a brown egg in the other. "WHO CARES!" She slaps her hands together, squishing the egg into   
  
the chicken's face, popping out its little black eyeballs. "Yea! We're having chicken tonight!"  
  
"Senor Excel..." Hyatt barely spoke as she stood looking out the door. Excel wobbled over while   
  
the chicken twitched at her side. "Are those the specimens you are in search of?" Excel's eyes   
  
lit up.  
  
"PIGGIES!"  
  
............................................................................................  
  
*The chicken tied to Excel's waist tries to fly away blindly.  
  
Excel: DOWN WOMAN!  
  
*Excel beats the chicken with a spiked club, injuring herself in the process.  
  
Chicken: (X.x)  
  
ooo  
  
Excel: ACK! Excel's left hip has become non-functional! What ever will I do Lord Il Palazzo?  
  
Edward: Lets steal a plastic hip from an old lady!  
  
*Excel has tears come to her eyes and pats Edward's red head  
  
Excel: You have learned well strange little girl that looks like a boy. 


End file.
